Evil Penguin Profiles

‘Fat Paulie’ Lupertazzi

Having flooded the arctic-circle with large supplies of crack cocaine in the late nineties, ‘Fat Paulie’ Lupertazzi is one of the most wanted criminals in the snowy wastes. Now the head of a vast and shadowy crime syndicate, ‘Fat Paulie’’s bid to become the ‘godfather’ of the Tundra looks like it’s finally paid off.

Known associates

Sammy “The Snitch” Gismonte
“Peaches” Geldofino
Vito “The Shark” Imperioli
Alphonse Rubbernubs

Distinguishing features

Often seen in a black and white tuxedo
Likes to put oranges in his mouth and play in the garden with his grandchildren

Charlie ‘Coco’ Hobbs

The most notable entry on Coco’s rapsheet was an attempt to rob two uniformed police officers with a fake gun. As soon as he approached them the policemen drew their real weapons and the incident was concluded with a short but tense stand off. Currently on the run after realizing that stealing candy from a baby isn’t as easy as everyone says it is.

Known associates

Despite what he may tell you, still lives with his mum

Distinguishing features

Labours under the delusion that a stripy black and white top and a bag marked ‘swag’ is what all the other crooks are wearing.

‘Crazy’ John Stevenson

Rumoured to have had a shady role in many of the most evil events of the last century, he is a mysterious character. Last seen walking towards a grassy knoll in Dallas (22nd November 1963) ‘Crazy’ John’s whereabouts have been a mystery ever since.

Known associates

Lee Harvey Oswald
Rasputin
Jeremy Clarkson
Herman Goering

Distinguishing features

A master of disguise, but original hair colour thought to be black and white. Good shot.

Mitchell ‘Bear killer’ McGraw

Has cut a bloody path through the bear population of the arctic, and shows no signs of being willing to stop. A violent psychopath, it’s thought that he’ll use any means to carry on his rampage. The wise would approach with caution. The wisest wouldn’t approach at all.

Known associates

“Deathwish” O’Hoolahan
Marisa Vigilante
Bernard “Slimeball Dive”

Distinguishing features

Mad staring eyes
Bloodstained feathers
Often to be seen carrying a spiked club
Can’t say words beginning with “R”